‘And I should have dreamed a thousand shimmering sunsets, untold scores of sea-borne serenities, and perhaps a million moonlit melodies, were it not for one single encounter, with you.’

“You can be honest with me, you’re not going to hurt my feelings. I mean, you might, but it’s not like it matters. Eh, you know what I mean.”
“Okay.” she said firmly.
“Okay?”
“Okay.” she nodded. “I think you look at people like books.”
“Yeah, alright…what?” She laughed quietly.
That goddamned laugh. It was no schoolgirl’s giggle, nor was it a low chortle, and far from any malcontent’s malicious cackle. A chuckle perhaps, a quick, quiet, self-contented chuckle. It bugged him in that it was so…goddamn endearing.
“You meet someone, and you flip through the first couple pages to see if you think you’ll like it and if not you just put it back on the shelf and flip through the next one. I think that’s why you never really talked to me until now, there aren‘t any better books around.”
“Huh, that’s a new one. So what about the books I actually pick?”
“You take them home, read them, make little notes in the margins, and then, when you’re done, you close the book.”
“And?”
“And nothing, you’ve finished reading it. There’s no more pages in it, you’re done with it.”
“Well…that’s really…wow that makes me sound like a jackass.”
“I’m sorry.” she stressed the last syllable, a sort of playful sincerity.
“No-no, no I did say be honest. That’s just, well…a little more serious than I had, uh, expected.”
“But what do you think?”
He nodded. “I could buy that. I don’t pretend to be a saint, but I do think there’s one addition I would make.”
“What’s that?”
“I think there are some books that I never really close, some books that I might neglect, but never really put down.” It was a compromise. Between the harsher analysis she’d given, and the rationalizations he could never quite get himself to believe. He knew that she was right, though he couldn’t tell her that, couldn’t let her see him that way. Diamonds that sparkle in the blackest coal look all the more appealing when contrasted with what it could have been. He lied so that he might look better than he was, but could the world provide a man that wouldn’t, there would be no good men. It is better to be a man who thinks to be ashamed, than to be a man who thinks he need not be.

It was almost funny; he knew that in six years, by her own words, she’d be just another book. Settling in the dust, silent and somber, slumbering in the absence of her audience, blissfully unaware of the fool who‘d abandoned pages not yet written. But inside that cover would be more of a world than any man could ever imagine, with her crafting light and poetry from seemingly innocuous strands of chance and consequence that were too ephemeral even to comprehend. Had only even a whisper of that truth crossed his mind, he might’ve found himself mired in her mystery for perhaps that eternity that we all crave and clamor for.

Perhaps we all ought to pretend that he had indeed realized what an error he was soon to make. We could imagine that he had never returned it to the shelf, thinking it over. Perhaps that evening ended with a tender kiss and promise, and that ever more they existed as contently as is capable. We might pretend that…but then that would be lying my dear reader, and the worst lies, are the ones we tell ourselves.

The evening instead ended with an unspoken hope. As fragile and silent as the autumn leaves that swirled down from the trees and around the vacant parking lot. Its turbulent motions playing out similar motions in their hearts like somatic symphonies.  It’s hard to say what exactly had happened that evening, amidst a misanthropic ‘Murphy’ist and a clumsy compassionate, everything had gone wrong and right at the very same time.

“Well that was quick then, she’s been gone what? A year? Wow, just one year. Crazy.”
“Yes Leena, just a year, thanks for the reminder.”
“Ugh, you’re so…pathetic when you’re like this. If you love her just tell her anyway, isn’t that the right thing to do?”
“Firstly, thanks for calling me pathetic.” At this she smiled bitterly. “Secondly, I only think I love her, there’s a difference.”
“Not from where I’m standing. This whole self-sacrificing idea you have is pointless, how are you ever supposed to end up with something you want if you keep letting someone else have it?”
“Yeah but I can live without a lot better than others, I’m used to it.”
“What a great idea! So you’re going to hand things you want to other people who didn’t bother to try and take it? Why bother helping someone who isn’t trying to help themselves?”
“I know, I know, it doesn’t make much sense but look it’s just the way I like to do it.”
“No it isn’t, it’s the way you think you have to do it, and you don’t like it at all! You agree with me! You’re just so damn scared of actually getting what you want that you have to justify not taking it.”
“I know you’ve always been a great friend, in the last however many years it’s been I don’t think I’ve known someone as reliable, but I think I have to do this on my own now.”
“You know, you can be pretty fucking stupid for someone so smart.”
He grinned.

It was sunny. They’d picked a good day. It was a gathering of friends from the days when they’d been young and stupid. They still were young and stupid, though incrementally less so of both. And she was there. She’d come back to see her parents, and ended up invited. The sun was shining, the grass was green and there was a pleasant breeze. When he saw her, a tiny little light came on inside him; when he saw him it went out in an instant. They were walking straight towards him, hand in hand, happy as could be. He tried smiling, but it just wouldn’t come, so he put on a scowl as they approached and said “Gah, who invited you? If I’d known I wouldn’t have come!” he said jokingly. She cocked her head at him and said pseudo-thoughtfully “Hmm that’s odd. I could have sworn that it was you who invited us, huh must be mistaken.” she smiled. “Oh, is that Leena? I haven’t seen her in forever! Excuse me.” and with that she left them standing there.
“…Well hi, I’m Alex. And you are?”
“Hey there, you can just call me Goodman Brown.” If Alex understood the reference it didn’t show.
“Nice to meet you Goodman.”
“Oh I’m just kidding, that’s not my name. I’m Matt, nice to meet you Alex, I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“All good I hope.”
“Hmm? Oh yes, all good things, yes.”
“Well I ought to introduce myself to the others.”
“Yeah that sounds about right.” Matt said that and they walked back to the group. He sat down next to Leena. She poked him. He growled lowly.
“Don’t give me that.” She whispered. “You invited them. You’re such an idiot.”
“Yeah yeah, I’m an idiot, and you’re my best friend. What’s that say about you?”
She shrugged.

Excruciatingly long hours passed. Their bright shining day turned slowly to cool dusk. Just as it seemed that the event was winding down, a friend announced that they had booked a room for karaoke, without telling them beforehand.
“Karaoke? We never do karaoke? What made you do that?”
“I don’t know, shits and giggles. Watching you and the rest of the guys try to worm out of singing.”
“Ugh. Really not what I had in mind.” he mumbled. Leena poked him again.
“You could at least try to look happy, you know for your friends.”
“I don’t really want to right now, and you’re the one who told me to do what I want.” he said snidely.
She threw her hands up in exaggerated exasperation and said “Oh now you listen to me!” Then she left, she said her farewells to all their friends, citing some excuse or another not to go with them.
It was then that Alex spoke up. “Aw shit, I forgot to bring along your parent’s gift honey. I left it in the hotel room.”
“You have a gift for her parents? Isn’t that backwards since you two are the ones getting married?” he asked. She chuckled. That goddamn chuckle. “Actually it’s my parent’s anniversary; we’re having dinner with them later tonight.”
“That’s great, so you can go and celebrate two marriages at once…that’s great.”
“Well I’ll just nip back there and grab it, you should go with them, spend some more time with your friends.” Alex said to her.
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah sure, I’ll just come get you when I get back. Sound good?’
“Ok then, drive safe!” They kissed. He closed his eyes, pretending to rub something out of his eye.

“Who are you riding with?” he asked her.
“I thought I was riding with you.”
“…hop in then.” He shrugged.

As short as the drive was it wasn’t nearly short enough to keep every negative thought from tearing and gnashing at his soul. A five minute drive through hell. They were the last ones to reach the darkening parking lot. The yellow street lamp clashed with the multicolored neon sign of the karaoke. The others were already inside. They stepped out of the car. He stopped.
“Actually I don’t think I’m going in. I’ve got to work tomorrow; I’d better turn in early.”
“Early? It’s barely even six o’clock!” She laughed at him, seeing the lie but not the reason.
“Yeah well, karaoke’s not really my thing ya know?” he said sheepishly.
“Aw…you’re not going to sing for me?” As the words hung in the air, his heart whimpered. He’d have sung for her night and day, at her very whim, and to her heart’s content, had he only turned a couple more pages, once upon a time.
“Can I tell you something real quick?” he asked, inhaling sharply.
“Yeah, whatcha got?”
“I’m more than a little jealous of Alex.” he said, measuring his words carefully trying to say things without saying them. She’d finally realized, he could see it on her face, hear it in her breathing, she knew now.
“Do you mean jealous because he has someone for him, or do you mean because…” she trailed off, trying, like him to say without saying, to know without knowing.
“If I had meant jealous because he has someone, I probably wouldn’t have used Alex as an example.” In that sentence, he knew he had said nothing, while really saying everything.
“So…”
“Don’t worry about it, I’m not after anything…I just…needed to say something. Gimme a call if you ever visit again. And best of wishes for you and Alex.” he said finally.
“He’s a good guy you know.”
“I believe you.”
“You’re a good guy too.”
“Not really. I’m just a guy flipping through books that he’ll never truly read.”
She smiled weakly.
As he started the car again and pulled out of the parking stall, he really wished it would rain.

That evening ended with an unspoken truth. Swirling leaves like somatic symphonies sang and danced along the parking lot, its motions a reflection of similar motions playing out in the depths of their hearts. It’s hard to say exactly what happened that evening. But I like to think that it was a nod to what might have been. And that perhaps somewhere deep in their hearts, they grew a little wiser for it, and that it was a page written. One page written in two different books, with all the words the same, and maybe the context would be different in those other books, but what it meant would be the same.
Leena heard a knock at the door. She roused herself from her place nestled in the couch. She opened the door to see him standing outside; she couldn’t quite place the look on his face.
“Um…hi?”
“Hey, I just wanted to come by and tell you that you were right. Letting things I want get away from me is really stupid.”
“Oook, why the change of heart?”
“Well I told her, sort of, anyway. Bottom line is she knows.”
“And what happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Wait, so you now think letting things you want get away is stupid, but you just let her go, after pointlessly telling her?”
“Pretty much.”
“Uh…why?”
“After being honest, I realized I wanted something like that, but I didn’t want to ruin someone else’s happiness to get it.”
“But that means you didn’t learn anything at all!”
“Sure I did, I’m going to start getting things I want. For instance, right now I want to get dinner.”
“Are you kidding me? You want to get dinner? That’s not really on the same scale as someone you love. You let love go just so you could go eat?” she practically shouted in disbelief.
“No no. You don’t understand. I have learned to go after what I want, and what I want to get dinner…with you. Also, not taking no for an answer. Told you I‘d learned”
She smiled. A page turns on another chapter.